Is Winning Really the Only Thing?
Is Winning Really the Only Thing?
American sports writer Jeff Pearlman wrote a column earlier this year about how ecstatic he and his wife were that after seven years his son was hanging up his glove, turning in his cleats and retiring from playing baseball – not professional baseball, Little League baseball.
Why the elation and joy over his eleven year old son’s early retirement from the sport?
It is hard to pinpoint exactly when Pearlman, who writes about sports for a living, became disillusioned and concluded that things had gotten out of hand.
Perhaps it was the time a parent showed up to a game with a radar gun so she could clock her nine year old son’s pitching velocity. Or it may have been when in the middle of his son’s at-bat during a game, the parent who was coaching the opposing team wanted to check his son’s bat because he thought it might be a quarter inch wider than it was allowed to be. Pearlman’s son was ten years old at the time, and hitting .125.
Or it may have been prompted by the fight that broke out in Lakewood, Colorado earlier in the year after fathers arguing over the inconsistent calls of a 13 year old umpire, in a game being played by 7 year olds, degenerated into a vicious fist fight.
Observing all this he realized that parents had lost sight of why the kids were there and what the experience is supposed to be about. No longer was it about kids playing so they would learn essential lessons about team work, to have fun, or to help them develop character and other skills to prepare them for life. The parents had become more fixated on winning at all costs, than what after all, is supposed to be a game.
They would benefit from the insights offered by a little lesson in Hebrew philology and etymology. It is interesting to note that the Hebrew word for game, mitzhak comes from the word found in the Bible letzahek, which means to play, and whose root can also mean to laugh. In other words, it is connected to a concept of a word that actually is not found in classical Hebrew – fun.
It is not too much of a stretch to see the progression from the attitude of these Little League parents to the parents implicated and convicted in the recent college admission scandal. The obsession with getting into a good college at all costs, led to a flagrant disregard of norms, standards and ethics. It is in many respects a manifestation of the same outlook that drives parents of younger children to ignore basic rules of civility on behalf of their children.
By now the facts are well known. In the largest college admissions scam ever prosecuted by the Department of Justice, in March federal prosecutors charged 50 people in a scheme to secure spots at elite big-name schools. 33 parents have been charged with paying millions of dollars in bribes to help their children get into the select universities. Athletic coaches from a number of top-ranked colleges were accused of accepting millions of dollars to admit undeserving students to their programs. Operation Varsity Blues discovered that for seven years, beginning in 2011, William Rick Singer, was paid more than $25 million to inflate entrance exam test scores, fabricate sports credentials, and to bribe exam administrators and sports coaches., even doctoring photos to show kids as athletes in sports they may have never played to get the children of his wealthy clients into competitive top-notch colleges.
The whole thing is repulsive and just plain wrong and immoral on so many levels. It points out the terrible disparity in the college admissions process and is a painful reminder of the inequality of our society. It highlights the unfair advantage people of privilege have and the disadvantage and obstacles of people who do not have access to the same resources.
In point of fact, it is worth mentioning that there have even been some studies which question the basic premise and cast doubt upon the value of attending a prestigious college as a guarantor of success and whether it makes much of a difference in long-term happiness or life satisfaction.
Four years ago, in a 2015 High Holiday sermon about parenting I spoke about Tiger moms and Helicopter Parents and the harm caused by their well-intentioned interference in the lives of their children. Now there is a new phenomenon, called “snowplow parenting”.
An article in the March 18 New York Times said that, “Helicopter parenting, the practice of hovering anxiously near one’s children, monitoring their every activity, is so 20th century.” Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich described the approach, “Some affluent mothers and fathers are like snowplows: machines chugging ahead, clearing any obstacles in their child’s path to success, so they don’t have to encounter failure, frustration or lost opportunities,” even if it means crossing and violating ethical and legal boundaries.
These parents book haircuts for their adult children, text their college kids to wake them up so they don’t sleep through a test, and even call their kids’ employers if they feel their child is being treated unfairly.
Some of us may wonder what is the harm in helping out our children a little? After all, it is a tough world out there.
Julie Lythcott-Haims, the former dean of freshmen at Stanford and the author of “How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success,” diagnoses the problem with this style of parenting as being counterproductive and getting priorities backwards. “The point is to prepare the kid for the road, not to prepare the road for the kid.”
A number of factors explain and contribute to the underlying anxiety driving this approach, and leading to the excesses of the college cheating scandal.
It could be the parents’ insecurity about their children. They may believe their child is incapable of making it on their own. They may feel an obligation to do all they can and give an extra boost to ensure their child’s success. Or it could be the result of the parents’ own insecurity about themselves. They may need the validation of bragging rights about where their child is going to college.
While they may think they are helping, in reality they are not doing them a favor. Many children of the parents who have gone on trial report coming out of the experience embarrassed and with diminished self-esteem.
Madeline Levine, a psychologist and the author of “Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More Than Grades, Trophies or ‘Fat Envelopes,'” said that having all of their problems preemptively solved by parents can in the long run be “disabling” for children. Rather than give them the very advantages they hope to give them, the parents actually deprive their children of developing important skills and tools such as the ability to cope with failure and disappointment.
And if it is for themselves, they should consider what this says about how they view their children. Do they look upon their children as the ticket and means to provide them with status they crave? Could it be that they need validation of their parenting skills?
It is unrealistic to expect that everyone deserves to get into an elite college. After all, other than in Garrison Keiler’s fictitious Lake Wobegone from his humorous show on NPR, where every child is above average, in the real world, not every kid is above average.
Admission to an elite university based upon an applicant’s merit may validate the child’s innate talent and the parents’ parenting skills, but an admission coinciding with a sizable donation or fraudulent means does not.
Agustin Huneeus Jr., a prominent Napa Valley winemaker was sentenced Friday to five months in prison for paying to rig his daughter’s school entrance exam and trying to sneak her into USC as a bogus athlete. Huneeus said in a letter to the judge last month that he now realizes that his actions, rather than helping his daughter, actually harmed her and demonstrated that he did not believe in her. He said it put his daughter “through the most horrible public shaming and at such a critical time in her life.”
Similar emotions have been expressed by others who have admitted to or who have been found guilty. He wrote, “I realize now that cheating on her behalf was not about helping her, it was about how it would make me feel. In the end my own ego brought me down.”
Whatever happened to succeeding based on merit and to unconditional love that is not dependent on how well a child does or what college they get into?
I would like to naively suggest that true validation comes when we raise children who know right from wrong, and who seek to do the right thing, children who want to be good people and who work for tikun olam, to improve our world and the lot of others.
Because the incident says something about our society, and thereby about all of us, I want to caution that we not gloat or commit the sin of schaudenfreude, taking joy in the misfortune of another person, a topic I addressed in my Yom Kippur sermon in 2014.
One of the things we pause to consider on Yom Kippur, is what really matters in life. On this day when we are called upon to evaluate our lives, we recognize that life is about much more than the name of the place on our diploma, how we make a living, our status or how much money we make. On Yom Kippur we acknowledge that we each stand before God and the Throne of Judgment and are judged on the merits of our deeds. We come here recognizing that we all err, and that none of us are perfect, but we seek forgiveness and to atone for our wrongs.
Frank Bruni author of the 2015 book “Where You Go is Not Who You’ll Be” says that the problem is the underlying principle “that nothing in your life is too sacred to be used for gain. That you do what it takes and spend what you must to get what you want. That packaging matters more than substance. That assessments made by outsiders trump any inner voice.”
What about that inner voice? The things taught us by our rabbis’ teachings, values such as compassion, caring for others, a sense of community, not to mention – truthfulness, fairness, honesty and integrity.
Where does this attitude – win at all costs come from?
Although not the first to utter the phrase, the legendary Green Bay Packers coach Vince Lombardi is widely associated with the saying “Winning isn’t everything… It’s the only thing.”
And who can argue with Lombardi’s success? The year before he became head coach of the Packers they had only one win and lost ten games. In his first year, he turned things around and their record improved to 7 and 5. He never looked back, never had a losing year, and compiled a lifetime record of 73% in his 7 years as a head coach in the NFL. He dominated the league in the 1960’s, compiling an amazing post-season record of 9 and 1, winning five NFL championship titles in seven years and the first two Super Bowls. The guy certainly knew a lot about winning.
The emphasis in our culture on winning, however, leads me to wonder what Judaism has to say about the importance of winning, especially the concept of winning at all costs.
Contrary to popular opinion, there actually have been a number of outstanding Jewish professional Jewish athletes, including the MVP in the most recent Super Bowl, New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman.
My favorite Jewish pro-football player was Chicago Bears MVP quarterback Sid Luckman who in his 12-year career in the 1940’s led the team to four championships. He is widely credited with changing the position of quarterback from being the guy who would hand the ball off to a runner to being a passer. A story is told, which may be apocryphal that when he was playing college football and players ran after him and tackled him, his mother used to go to his games and is said to have shouted from the stands, “Sid, if they want the ball that much, give it to them. I’ll get you another one.”
A search of Jewish quotations does not yield any quotes about winning. In fact, I found the opposite advice in the Bible. The Torah tells us that when God called Moses, he specifically told him not to come in first. As we read on countless occasions, the text explicitly says, “And God told Moses to come forth (fourth).”
While there is nothing wrong with wanting to win and come in first, and it sure feels good to win, this shouldn’t be the only goal we pursue. The joy of competition, the satisfaction of giving it your all should not be discounted or minimized.
Michael Austin noted in an article in Psychology Today that, “If winning was really all that mattered, good teams would only play teams they know they can beat. But they don’t because they are in pursuit of athletic excellence” which comes from “the challenge that excellent athletes and teams pose to one another.”*
The late professor and sports psychologist and analyst Thomas Tutko wrote, “When the desire to win becomes the sole source of gratification in a sport, it is as if the sole value of food was its taste” and not its nutritional value.
Part of the problem with the winning at all costs approach is that it is often accompanied by an intensity that may entail a lack of grace or magnanimity towards one’s opponents. Deficiencies in this area plague the political arena today and is what is contributing to the poisoning of public discourse. We have elected public servants who vitiate and are vindictive to those who disagree with them in their quest for vindication. Too many have forgotten the art of compromise, neglect the necessity of cooperation, and the concept of working together is absent from their playbook.
But it need not be that way. A few examples from the sports world just this past year alone, from professional tennis where competition is fierce and the rivalries can be intense offer a sense of what life looks like in a world where the battle well fought is valued and respected.
15 year-old Coco Gauff stunned the tennis world when she beat tennis legend Venus Williams earlier this summer at Wimbeldon. After beating Venus, Gauff told her that she was her idol and said to her, “Thank you for everything that you did. I wouldn’t be here without you,” and went on to say, “Before every match since I was 8, my dad and I say a prayer together. We don’t really pray about victory, just that me and my opponent stay safe. After the match, I was just thanking God for this opportunity.”
When Gauff was subsequently defeated by the world’s top-ranked female tennis player, Naomi Osakea last month, Gauff commented on how well her opponent played, who then hugged her and graciously insisted she stay with her instead of going off and being alone after the match.
What these and other athletes at the top of their game have shown us is the virtues of good sportsmanship and that one can be both victorious and gracious. They are teaching us the truth of a perspective conveyed by a different adage that its not whether you win or lose that is important, but how you play the game.
At the 2019 Women’s Lacrosse Under 19 World Championship in Canada this summer the team from Israel defeated the team from Kenya, 13 – 4. The Israeli players saw that the Kenyan team slipped and slid a lot during the game and noticed that none of the Kenyan players had proper shoes. So the Israeli team secretly called a coach from the Kenyan team and got the name and shoe size of each of their players. The Israeli youngsters along with their parents chipped in and found a local specialty store that stayed open most of the night to fill the order. The next day, they surprised their Kenyan opponents and gave each member of the team brand new lacrosse shoes with cleats.
I would like to think that the Israeli team was motivated and inspired by Jewish concepts of hesed, kindness, and derech eretz, respect for others, even your opponents.
Near the end of his life, Vince Lombardi said about the winning isn’t everything quote, “I wished I’d never said the thing…I meant the effort. I meant having a goal. I sure didn’t mean for people to crush human values and morality.”
The truth is that there are many lessons to be learned from defeat and losing – such as appreciation of victory when it comes, learning the importance of determination, humility, perseverance and grace, because in the final analysis it really is about how you play the game.
I believe this is what our tradition teaches — that the journey, and how we get there is as important as the final destination. It is why the Kiddush we recite every Friday night speaks not of arriving in the Promised Land, but of yetziat Mitzrayim, the journey out of Egypt. Each Shabbat we are reminded that it is the journey, how we live our life is what counts.
So no, it’s not just winning that counts. How we play the game, the game of life is what truly matters, for in the end, we are not remembered by what we did for a living, but how we lived during our sacred pilgrimage on earth.
My friend Rabbi Mitchell Wohlberg of Baltimore said, “I’ve never been at a funeral where the person’s stockbroker or lawyer or accountant spoke about them. I’ve never been at an unveiling where the tombstone was uncovered and it had written on it what the person did for a living. I guess, after death we realize that’s not important. What IS important is the words on the tombstone that speak of your legacy as a mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, wife and husband. What does make for your legacy are the children and grandchildren who speak (of you) and who cry for you as they remember you.”
During the Yizkor memorial service just concluded, we recalled loved ones, parents, grandparents, spouses, siblings and friends. When we think about those who meant so much to us, those who cared for us, and for whom we cared, we think back and cherish the time we had with them.
We fondly recall the wisdom they imparted to us, the good times we had together, the precious moments we shared, the laughter and the tears. In some instances, we may think about the sacrifices they made so we could enjoy the life we have today. Those we mourn and whose loss is felt and whose absence leaves a gap in our lives may not have always finished first, but in our eyes, for many of us, they were winners, true winners.
May the memory of our loved ones continue to inspire us, and while winning isn’t everything, may we all be winners where it counts the most, in the eyes of those we love.
Rabbi Stuart Weinblatt
Potomac, MD potomacrebbe@bnaitzedek.org
Potomac, MD
Yom Kippur, October 9, 2019
*Michael W. Austin in Psychology Today (July, 2010)
